Icefire Page 4

  She decided to start the day with a quick stop at the coffee shop. The barista gave her a funny look when she ordered her cold drink, glancing at the chilly day outside. But as the thick and creamy liquid reached her taste buds, that didn't matter. She smiled at how it reminded her of Dr. Ember.

  Juliet walked around the mall and collected a few new things to bring back to the Dome with her before deciding to leave. Although she still wasn’t ready to return underground, she reluctantly checked her phone to see if the sun would be setting soon and if her father or boyfriend had left any alarming messages. To her surprise, her phone was blank.

  Taking it as a sign, she stuffed the phone in her pocket and walked around, enjoying the scenery. When she realized she was lost, it didn’t worry her because she felt weightless. Still, she knew to keep her eyes open and mind clear in case there were any unwanted visitors.

  In the past, crowds made her nervous. It had gotten better, especially after meeting Myreen. But there were still times that she would regress to an unhealthy mental state that left her paralyzed. She tried to be smart about her location. A busy enough street where there were several witnesses was better than an empty street that she could easily get attacked in.

  Juliet turned onto an active street where there were people who looked like they were in college. She walked on the part of the sidewalk that was closer to the buildings and the stores. It made her feel more protected somehow. Nonetheless, she walked with her back straight and her head high.

  Suddenly someone bumped into her and everything went completely downhill. A lump the size of a golf ball grew in her throat, causing the imminent sting behind her eyelids. The stench of liquor filled her nose as the older woman stumbled to her feet, using Juliet as her own personal wall.

  “Ay, watch it!” She slurred her words and looked at Juliet with obvious disgust, her lips curled in a deep frown.

  Juliet couldn’t move. She couldn’t speak. Her body stayed exactly where it was as her mind blanked out to a distinct memory triggered by this drunk woman. Everything in that moment was too familiar for her brain and her heart to stay in sync.

  She was only eleven when she was woken up by the front door being slammed over and over. Juliet stumbled out of her bed and groggily walked down the stairs to find her mother struggling to walk through the door. She grew angry with the door and slammed it open and closed causing the sound to echo through the house. Being eleven, that frightened Juliet so she hesitated to help, afraid of getting hurt in the process.

  “Mom? I can hold the door open while you come in”” Juliet waited for the slamming to stop as she whispered from the inside of the dark house.

  “You’ve been awake all along, you ungrateful child? LET ME IN MY HOUSE!” Her mother screamed at her and even then, Juliet could smell the alcohol.

  Slow and afraid, the door creaks open as Juliet stands there with her arm holding it open. A loud cackle sounded throughout their street as her mother stumbled through the doorway, leaning on Juliet and nudging her at the same time.

  “I don’t need your help!” Pushing Juliet away, she made her way to the kitchen where she would get herself another drink. Juliet locked the door and raced to her bedroom to hide under the covers away from her loud and mean mom.

  The woman bent over, holding tight to her stomach as she dry heaved from all of the activity and movement around her. Juliet thought for just a moment that she probably felt exactly how the old woman felt, only she didn’t have a single sip of alcohol. Finally, snapping out of it, Juliet instinctively ran over to help the woman.

  She should have known that this woman wasn’t going to be friendly, and she should have known that the close proximity that she was to the woman wasn’t healthy for her mental health. The woman pushed Juliet away, and that was the last straw for her to completely lose control of her mind.

  It was as if she were in a lucid dream, watching a replay of the obscene amount of times her mother pushed her away in exactly the same way. Juliet finally found her footing and backed away slowly. The woman stared at her as they both wavered in place--for different reasons entirely.

  “Worthless. Today’s youth are damaged. Frying your brains sitting behind them screens. Pathetic.” The woman sloppily spun around and walked away, continuing her insults. Even as she turned the corner, getting out of Juliet’s sight, it still left her cracked. Since the day she found out she was a phoenix, she built a wall trying to repress the memories she had of her mother, Malina.

  Juliet glued herself to the wall and squeezed her eyes shut. She felt the cold brick wall and it gave her the balance that she desperately needed. Clutching at her chest where her heart stammered underneath, she fiercely attempted to push the memory of Malina away. At least until she got back to the Dome where she could fully melt down.

  She worked so hard on convincing herself that she shouldn’t let her heartbreak over the past. But it dangerously crashed down, proving how wrong she was. Juliet eagerly searched the pockets of her jacket for her headphones. When she found them, she stuffed them in her ears, clicking the button on her phone that took her to her playlist named MELTDOWN.

  The first song to play was her favorite classical song, and it was as if she was given fresh air to breathe. Her heart slowed down and her brain stopped spinning, causing her to finally get control of her breathing. She counted to the melody and matched it to her breathing pattern, which brought her back to a clear head.

  Finally opening her eyes, she was relieved to see that everyone continued on with their day without stopping to check to see if she was okay. She wanted zero attention on her after just barely getting her head back on straight. Shakily, she stood and gave herself a moment before braving the walk back to the train station that would bring her back to the Dome.

  She took out her phone to pull up the map application that pointed her in the right direction. She noticed there were a few messages from Nik, but she hadn’t opened it yet because she needed to start heading back before she broke down again. The map told her where to go and where to turn. When she was on a straight path for a minute, she opened up her messages.

  The three messages she’d missed from Nik were just alarming enough to have her heart speed up again. The first was an explanation of why there wasn’t much communication from him or from her father. It was simply that Dr. Ember told them to give her the space she needed if she ever left the Dome alone. It was appreciated and it was understandable, but it still made her feel slightly crumby.

  The second message was the start of him getting worried because she was close to a neighborhood where there were vampire sightings. He tried to warn her to take busy streets home. Usually that would have been something she would have done regardless. But since she wasn’t in the right headspace, she didn’t check to see if the map was taking her on a dangerous path.

  The third message was a screenshot picture of the vampire activity by the area she was in. Before she thought to respond to him, she returned to her map, anxiously checking the arrival time for her. She made her turn and it was a quiet and secluded street, so she immediately spun around and turned back on the busy street.

  Juliet switched out of her app and ordered a car to take her back to the train station. Thankfully, the driver was just around the corner. It wasn’t until she got in the car that she finally replied to her boyfriend. It was simple and it was quick, because even she knew she needed to be alone when she got back to the Dome.

  JULIET: I’m in a Lyft heading back. I’m safe. Thanks for the warning. Really exhausted from walking all day, so I’m going to go to bed when I get back. Night.

  She shoved her phone back in her pocket and threw her head back against the seat. She kept her eyes closed the entire ride, trying her hardest not to relapse.

  When the car stopped and she got out, she hurriedly made her way underground to return to the Dome. When she finally got to the platform to switch over to her hidden world, the familiar face of Dr. Ember smiled at her while she wa
ited for the doors to their train to open.

  “Juliet! What a pleasant surprise!” The doctor scurried over and pulled Juliet in for a hug and it instantly brought Juliet to tears.

  “Oh, honey.” Dr. Ember rubbed small circles on Juliet’s back as she led them onto the train. Juliet cried until she heard the ding that announced their arrival to the Dome. It was then that Juliet tried to get herself back together.

  The doctor handed her a tissue and patted down the pieces of Juliet’s hair that were ruffled from the sobbing. Without a single word, Juliet felt the support from the doctor and she was thankful that she hadn’t asked her a single question.

  Dr. Ember walked Juliet all the way to her room. It wasn’t until Juliet walked through her door that the doctor finally said something.

  “Would you like to meet in the morning? Totally up to you.”

  She wanted to say yes because she knew her presence would be welcomed. But if she wanted to be honest, which she did, she wasn’t entirely sure if she would be up for it. Juliet shrugged her shoulders and looked down at her feet when the doctor pulled her in for one last hug.

  “Take your time. You know where to find me. Here’s my cell if you ever just want to say hi.” Dr. Ember handed her a card and turned to leave Juliet.

  She closed the door behind her, dropped her bags on her table and went to her bed, where she was going to hide under the covers and drift off to sleep. At least try to sleep. But there was a tray on her bed with a note on top.

  Thought you might be hungry. I love you. Nik.

  The single gesture again brought tears to her eyes. She had people that cared about her and they had no idea the influence they had on her. She was hungry, but she wasn’t going to brave the dining hall. Nik helped her without her asking him, and it was just what she needed. She threw on a movie and ate her dinner alone. To her surprise, sleep came easy for her. If only she could have controlled the dreams that took over her sleep that night.

  Chapter 7

  Unwelcome Flashbacks

  Juliet woke up for what felt like the tenth time and looked at the clock that read 4:30 am. She groaned and rolled over, begging her brain to shut down and give her the break she so desperately needed. She squeezed her eyes shut, and they burned behind her eyelids.

  But at the same time, she was afraid of what she would see again if she did fall back asleep. After all the nightmares that came to her throughout the night, she knew another one awaited her the moment she drifted off. Her exhaustion, mixed with her anxiety over the nightmares, was just enough to bring Juliet on the verge of a sobbing crash.

  She strongly believed it was her mother that haunted her by bringing the dreadful night to her. Except she wasn’t even sure she could call them nightmares, because they were more like reels of the past. A cruel punishment she was not mentally prepared for. So Juliet refused to believe her deceased mother was the one punishing her. Instead, she blamed the drunk old woman who’d reminded her so much of Malina.

  She was desperate for more sleep and craved to be nightmare-free. She felt like she had never wanted something more than she wanted sleep at that moment. She rolled over and counted to one hundred three different times, when finally sleep overtook her and she drifted off.

  Exactly one hour after tossing and turning, she woke up restless. Giving up, she slammed her arms over the sheets on each side of her. Another memory of her mother played like a horror film in her head. Silent tears rolled down her face and into her ears.

  “How did I get cursed? Of all people in the whole world, how is that I am the one that got stuck with a life like this?” Juliet was thirteen and had a bad day at school where she was getting bullied by the popular girls. She defended herself and used violence to stop the bully with a sucker punch to the nose which got her into trouble.

  “I’m sorry, mom. She was saying really nasty things…” Juliet tried to help her case.

  “Things that are true, I’m sure.” That stung Juliet because Malina hadn’t even known what was said.

  “It was you they were making fun of...not me.” That shut her mother up but not in a good way. Juliet wasn’t going to relay that part of the information but she was being so mean. Malina stormed into her liquor closet and picked out a half-empty bottle of dark brown liquid.

  Juliet knew it was going to be a long night. Dark liquor usually meant she was going to be loud and rowdy and extremely hostile towards Juliet. For the rest of the night, she stayed in her bedroom with the door locked and her headphones on full blast. Even that couldn’t block out what her mother said before...that she was cursed because of her.

  It was official, she wasn’t braving anything outside of her bedroom. She didn’t care who would worry by her holing up there. All she wanted to do was be alone in the quiet comfort and safety of her dark and secluded room. She had her movies and that was what she wanted to spend her day doing. Just like she used to when her mother was alive.

  Shaking her head and wiping her tears away, Juliet found a movie about women who were independent and didn’t need anyone to be the badass that they were. The movie about the three women who called themselves Angels was just the motivation she needed to stay in the clear-enough headspace she was in.

  Not enough to get her to leave her room, but enough to not be totally useless

  She made herself food and changed from the pajamas she’d been wearing into a fresh pair. She made sure not to succumb to the anxiety attack her brain was trying to have.

  She also made sure to respond to incoming messages because, if she didn’t, it would cause them to worry and then they would feel obligated to physically check in on her. Which was exactly what she was trying to avoid. She wanted to show that she was okay on the outside. But now that she had a boyfriend, it was harder to hide.

  She could tell Nik was trying really hard to be supportive and give her the space she asked for because he kept asking if she was okay without knocking down her door. She would reply with yes and tried to sound as normal as she could.

  She feared it wasn’t enough.

  There was a knock at the door and she thought she completely failed. She groaned and held tighter to her blanket. She didn’t care who it was that was on the other side of the door. She just wanted to be alone. Attempting to ignore it, Juliet tried to return her attention to the movie.

  Another knock sounded and it was just as delicate as before. She knew they weren’t going to go away and they’d keep trying. Juliet got to her feet and dragged them behind her as she slowly opened the door. To her shock, that delicate knock came from Malachai.

  “Um, hi?” She was utterly confused at his bizarre manner.

  “Just stopping by to see if you were okay.” He sounded innocent, hesitant.

  “Why wouldn’t I be?” Still not inviting him in, she leaned on the door, lost in her own thoughts, wondering if Dr. Ember spilled the beans.

  “Well, for one, you weren’t in your morning workout group, and I know how much you enjoy going to that.” He pushed only slightly, but enough to annoy her.

  “I didn’t feel like going today. And I only like it. Don’t get it wrong that it’s my favorite thing to do. What is this, Dad? Normally you don’t wait for an invite to enter my room.” Juliet hoped that if she turned the questioning onto him, it would distract him from why he was there. She didn’t mean to sound harsh, especially when he seemed to be treading lightly.

  “The shrink says we should have boundaries, so I thought I would wait until you were ready to let me in.” He looked down at his feet, looking innocent, and it instantly made her feel guilty for giving him such a hard time. She gave in and stepped back so he could enter, and he did immediately.

  “Thank you. So how was your adventure yesterday?” This is where Juliet knew she wasn’t mentally healthy. Her first instinct was that he only asked to trap her into confessing that something happened. But she didn’t know if he even knew. The practical part of her told her that he was genuinely just asking.

>   “It was fine. Found some new records.” It was all she could muster up to say. She didn’t know what he did and didn’t already know.

  “So you’re not sick or anything? Everything okay with you and Nik?” He studied her every move. Now she knew he had to know something. She wondered if Dr. Ember betrayed her by snitching.

  “What's going on? I'm way too tired for this. I got no sleep last night because of the nightmares about…” She stopped herself, hoping he didn’t catch it, and dramatically threw herself on her bed, hiding under the covers. She felt the bed sink in by her feet and knew Malachai had sat by her. Peeking over the blanket, she stared at him with squinted eyes.

  “One of my guards said you looked upset when you returned from going outside. He also reported that Dr. Ember had to return your tracker and sign you back in. I went to speak with her, but she’s really good at keeping things confidential because she said you would tell me when you were ready.” Juliet silently thanked the doctor for her silence, although she didn’t exactly know what bothered Juliet either.

  She thought she was over being so emotional about the run-in with the drunk woman. But as she recalled what occurred, fresh tears burned behind her eyes. She sunk back under the covers, where it was safe from her father's gaze. She cleared her throat, remembering she had to reply before she really raised red flags.

  “I’m fine. Just thought I saw someone I knew.” She wasn’t fully lying. But according to his silence, she knew he suspected something of more influence was wrong.

  “Jules, you know I’m always here for you, for anything, at any time.” She felt his large hand close around her feet. She didn’t know how to respond. His concern was so different from what Malina ever showed her.

  “Well, I know how you like to use silence to ground yourself, so I'm going to go. But I’ll only go if you promise to meet me for dinner. We can do it like we used to, in my office. What do you say, hun?”